The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
