Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
