SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
