You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
