Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
everyone is single if you try hard enough
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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