Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
