I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
