One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Panties = found
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
