The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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