dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Crop dusting thru forever 21
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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