Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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