Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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