another moral hangover. fuck.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
