guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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