she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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