just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i drank out of a bidet.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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