Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
