The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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