This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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