The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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