On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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