I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Enjoy the penises
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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