Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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