you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
