i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize