FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize