people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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