he told me I talked like a deaf person
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
