a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
