i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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