mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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