Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
