So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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