hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
