I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
