God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
