at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
