this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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