I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
