My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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