First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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