I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
