Who wears a wallet chain?!
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
