One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
