Your face is a jimmy john
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
