Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
