dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
