you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Randomize
