I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
