Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
