Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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