i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
