life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
