its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
