come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
