Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize