I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
