p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
