3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
